Keyscratchings: January 2007 and beyond The Keyscratchings project is a return to the kind of exhibitions I like best - ones based entirely on chance and random factors, ones which glorify triviality, obscurity and mystery, and ones which defy the traditional process of the "art show". A Keyscratchings show consists of you volunteering to host it in your area, followed by me sending you some inexpensive prints of my black-and-white works, and maybe even some original Crispy Cards too. The shows are held in the most unorthodox locations possible: in alleys, trash dumps, vacant lots, porno stores, gas stations, public restrooms, hallways of campus buildings, in basements, in apartments, in storm drains, on rooftops, in the park, wherever you like. Despite its unprofessional location, flyers and press releases for each show will be sent, and given the full publicity treatment as if it were a major retrospective exhibition at a major museum.

Eggs That Are Forsaken: April 2008 In 2006, Project Egg distributed ten thousand art-filled green plastic Easter eggs to several major American cities. In 2007, my eggs reached every one of the fifty states. In 2008, the next phase was to have spread the eggs around the entire world! However, after learning from several people in the cruise-ship industry about the vast stretches of decomposing plastic floating on the ocean surface and poisoning the water by giving off plastic molecules, I realized that many of my plastic eggs might end up washed into gutters that wash into rivers that carry garbage into the oceans. I decided to rethink my plans and made the decision to cancel Project Egg Phase Three for environmental reasons. Throughout the month of April 2008, you'll have one final chance to get one of the art-filled eggs that had already been prepared for the installation. All you have to is request one and I'll send it to you free. However, you must make your request in writing via snail-mail to JSHNYC, 242 E. 38th Street #2C, New York, NY, 10016. (No e-mail requests, please.)

Dark Observatory: ongoing Is there such a thing as Stuckist performance art? Now there is: for hours and hours (or as long as they'll let me), I work on my paintings onstage in front of a live audience, while pacing around, giving a lecture on my views on art, sex, life, death, and kittycats. Preferably the shows should be so long that nobody would stick around to watch the entire thing, people coming and going in shifts as their attention span dictates, while I grow progressively loopier onstage due to paint fumes, sleep deprivation, and Duvel's Belgian Ale. For booking information, contact me. (Each show is videotaped for use in an eventual DVD documentary.) Why is it called Dark Observatory? I have no idea. I just do what the little voices tell me to.